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The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.