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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.