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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
We get it poets: things are like other things
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.