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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.