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Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping