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I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.