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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.