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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.