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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)