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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.