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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.