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this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.