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Most problems can be solved with nudity
If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly