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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!