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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.