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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.