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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.