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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.