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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards