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The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
Word for the day is asstard
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
I`m perfect you adjust.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.