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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.