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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?