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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Red, Trees Are Red ... F*ck? my gardens on fire!
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.