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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.