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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.