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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!