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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.