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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."