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Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?