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Workout Journal Day #5: Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
My anger management class pisses me off
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.