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I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them