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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?