Daily Silly Status

I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply

Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.

These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.

I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.

Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.

?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."

I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.

I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."

I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.

You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.

I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!

I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.

Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.