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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"