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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
It needs more cowbell!!
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.