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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"