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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.