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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
I`m having an out of money experience.
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.