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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.