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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye