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What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.