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Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!