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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.