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I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Real friends show me their boobs
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.