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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment