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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.