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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!