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If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I don’t really forgive people I just pretend like it`s okay and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.