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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)