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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing