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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?