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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.