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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them