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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.