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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
According to Facebook, some people I don`t remember are grilling this weekend.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.