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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.