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I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.