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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
I am the bestest at the English language...
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.