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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.