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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.