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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Wow! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.