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I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.