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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?