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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode