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If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”