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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.