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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?