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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
A hard thing about business is minding your own
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.