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I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.