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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.