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off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"