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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.