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Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.