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I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
Attention fuels immaturity
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.