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My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.