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If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.