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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping