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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...