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True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I have a black belt in leather
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.