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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!