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Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!