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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.