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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
u cant spell awesome without me
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.