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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
Iām going to start telling women that Iām available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.