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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I want to sleep tighter
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches