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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
HardCoreStrategy 22 hours ago 6 3? Guys are? in a cafe. The first guy says "I?? have the smallest arm in the? world." The second guy says I have the?? smallest head in? the world." The third guy says I have the smallest d^ck in the world. They all? go to? the Guinness Book of World records. The? first? guy comes back and says I really? have the smallest arm in the world. The seconds guy? returns and? says? I have the smallest head in the world. The third guy comes back? and angrily?? says WHO? T
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.