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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Just joined the support group Hokey Pokey Anonymous ... A place to turn yourself around. ;)
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?