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Will be drunk until further notice.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.