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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?