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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.