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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.