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Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake