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In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.