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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D