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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.