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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.