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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Apparently when my math teacher asked `what comes after 69` "I DO" was not the correct answer.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.