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"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.