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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.