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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.