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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P