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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.