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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.