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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.