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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.