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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
Matt Damon is set to play an all-action version of Jesus in his new Easter based Biblical film, "Bourne Again Christian".
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.