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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
My “I hate you” face must look a lot like my “I’m loving this conversation” face.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
Do angry people know about naps?
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......