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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.