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There are no bad pictures. That`s just how your face looks sometimes.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.