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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.