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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
No pants are the best pants.
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.