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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that Iām married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.